Anamchara

An Advent Wait

     The Christmas season begins with Advent, and waiting.  Waiting is something I've done for most of my life.
     Since I was a very young altar boy in my Episcopal Church, I dreamed of being a priest, with a collar and a beautiful church.  And, a wife and family to back me up.  I dreamed of Baptisms, Confirmations, weddings, and funerals.  The most important times in people's lives.
     So, I began waiting.  I went to college and earned a Finance degree, just like my Dad.  I hated finance, but I knew I would need an undergraduate degree for seminary, so no problem.  In the meantime, I got involved with campus ministries.
     I married my high school sweetheart my junior year in college.  We attended church on a regular basis.  However, she did not share my excitement with the whole seminary idea.  Later, I realized she just wanted to know I was devoted to her first and foremost.  But, I was going to be a priest.  "God would provide."
     My Father died my senior year in college, and upon graduating I felt obligated to move back to our hometown and go into the family finance business.  My wife began making a home.  I was often distant and distracted with my dream of going to seminary.  She and I both volunteered with Young Life, but her time was interrupted by the birth of our first child.  No problem.  That was even better.  Starting seminary with a family.
     After the birth of our second child, we left our Episcopal Church, and helped form a church in our hometown.  I wanted God, but I became completely immersed in the spectacular, to the point of ignoring how my wife felt about the whole thing.  All the while I was being told how full of wisdom I was, and how I was going to be used in a miraculous way.  I don't remember anyone telling me to turn back towards my wife and family, or, that I had become obsessed with not missing God.  Except my wife.
     My wife?  She got to tend the nursery as a good, submissive wife.  I got to listen to two hour sermons on some "new" teaching.  She got to listen as I dreamed out loud of quitting my job and becoming some kind of "minister".  And, my wondering out loud why she wasn't joining in. Her being ignored for "spiritual" reasons really did hurt her soul.
     By the time our third child arrived, my wife had had enough.  She didn't need some man following signs and wonders.  She needed me.  She simply did not feel loved, cherished, and respected.
     To make a long life short, my wife died at the age of 52, after 11 years of brain cancer.  And, "we" never made it to seminary.  We did return to our little Episcopal Church, where the soft rhythms of the liturgy and the beautiful hymns appealed to her broken mind and spirit.
     Throughout 33 years of marriage and for several years after my wife's death, I couldn't figure out why I had a lifelong dream of being a priest in my heart, yet it was never fulfilled.  Why didn't God provide?
     Sometime doors don't open in order to get our attention.  My door was not going to open until I saw the real priestly ministry I was to enter into first.
     This Advent, while I was waiting, I saw where I had missed the boat.  I could have had that seminary education.  I was just too preoccupied with my own dreams and plans to see it.  I was neglectful of the most important things.  True, priestly things.
     God did indeed provide.  The second my wife and I were engaged, the provision was there, but I was blind and deaf.  I could not see the provision.  Like Elijah, I was looking for God to show up in a spectacular way.  I was waiting for that big voice, from God, or at least from my "spiritual" friends, who loved telling me what God was saying.  I totally missed that 'still small voice.'
     I realize now my ministry was to my wife, first and foremost.  I was to give myself to her, sacrificially, as Jesus gave himself to, and for, the world.  What if I had cared less about fulfilling some dream until I made sure my wife knew she was loved unconditionally, and cherished and delighted in?
     I never made the 180 degree turn from my dreams to my destiny.  With that kind of turn, I could have seen my wife for who she was...God's provision.  Without my love and support, she must have questioned what kind of real priest I would be.  Whatever my hopes and dreams were, they could not be fulfilled without the proper relationship with my wife.
     My real training ground for learning how to love, and how to die to self and live for God and others, was not in sermons and teachings and conferences.  It had been provided and was right in front of me.  It was a relationship with my wife.  That would have truly been priestly.  "Seek first the kingdom of God..."
     Sadly, if I had given my wife my full attention and an undivided heart, life would have been joyous.  Our children would have felt happy, safe, and secure.  And, if I had delighted in her the way Jesus delights in us, she would have followed me to the ends of the earth.  Yes, I may have had to wait a bit longer as our relationship solidified, but it would have been a hopeful, joyful wait.
     An Advent wait.
    
    

posted by Anamchara @ 8:34 AM